Apartment Search 2005 - Crazy Landlord Rules

Over the weekend I was talking on the telephone with my good friend Ben. I told him about this awesome apartment I saw that was 3-bedrooms (instead of the 2-bedroom I was looking for and ended up with) and cost $55 less per month than the place I we will be moving into in a couple of weeks. Also it was on Shakespeare. Which you cannot say without holding your nose up and using a bad British accent. Which is tons of fun. But crazy landladies are no fun.

I promised Ben, if I still had the list and could find it in my ever-growing pile of papers, I would list these rules. Maybe I am spoiled, but read through this list and if you don't think this landlord is crazy please leave you feedback. I request that if you read through and think these are not rediculous rules, please read through and do not ignore my comments below...because some of them appear to be a sane request but upon further examination are what tenancy rules might look like on Venus or Jupiter.

Your residence at XXXX¹ W. Shakespeare, Chicago, IL,² is conditional to your³ abiding by the following rules:

Tenants are the ONLY ones to have keys to the front door and apartment doors. No one else should have one except for the person whose name appears on the lease.⁴

Tenants should not keep anything that is flammable in the building.⁵

The apartment and entrance to it should be kept in clean and neat conditions, just like you received it.

Each tenant is responsible for cleaning their front steps and back steps section.

ABSOLUTELY NO FOOD IS TO BE THROWN IN THE TOILET. IT SHOULD BE THROWN IN THE GARBAGE. IF CLOGGING OCCURS BECAUSE OF A FAILURE TO FOLLOW THE MENTIONED, YOU WILL BE LIABLE FOR THE DAMAGE.⁶

The garbage should be thrown into the garbage can and the lids should be fully closed.

All gates MUST be closed at all times.⁷

Your monthly rent ONLY includes the apartment -- it does NOT include any other areas inside the building or outside the building. Keep ALL of your personal belongings in your apartments. Do not leave anything in the porch, balcony, yard, garage, or outside your door. There is no storage space in the building.

The porch is to be clean at all times -- NO PERSONAL BELONINGS⁸ ON IT.

There is NO grilling, barbequing or any other activity allowed in the backyard.⁹

No loitering in front of building or in the back of building.¹⁰

Tenants are responsible for the conduct of their guests and will be deemed liable for any damages to the building caused by them.¹¹

No visitors on premises after 10:00pm.¹²

Absolutely NO parties allowed in the building. We want to respect the privacy and tranquility of everyone in the building.¹³

If at any point, the tenant sees anything suspicious or unusual and relates the building contact the owners IMMEDIATELY.¹⁴

Landlord is NOT responsible for any personal condlicts between tenants. These conflicts should be reported to the Police at 911.

The landlord will only be notified when there is something going on in the building.

IF THERE ARE ANY QUESTIONS, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK. IF YOU AGREE WITH THE RULES ABOVE, PLEASE SIGN AND DATE THE BOTTOM.

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1.Actual Address hidden to protect the insane. Back to Rules

2.Improper use of puncuation. Back to Rules

3.Improper grammar. Could easily be corrected by adding "your ability to abide". Back to Rules

4.Just in case you were unclear on the term "tenant", it means "person whose name appears on the lease". Back to Rules

5.This was my favorite and absolutely the most insane thing on this list. Now, possibly I am being too hard on this woman, but if someone where not allowed to have anything flammable in the building that would restrict furniture, clothing and human beings from entering the building. Or, maybe, the word "keeping" implies that those items can be on the premises, but must be removed at some unspecified point during tenancy. Granted, Chicagans (yes, this is the term that people who live in Chicago refer to themselves by...) have a right to be a little fire-aware, but they still have to be realist human beings. Back to Rules

6.This rule makes my head spin. I guess it all boils down to how specific you want to get with the word "food". If you don't understand what I am getting at...Ask your parents. Organic waste is organic waste is organic waste. Garbage is another thing. Also, what if contraband "food" is placed gently in the toilet, rather than 'thrown'? Now I am just being a picky, judgmental snob, I know. Back to Rules

7.AM I SUPPOSED TO HOP THE FENCE? I guess all times does not include while someone is actually WALKING THROUGH! Back to Rules

8.Spelling error. We all make them, but most of us spell check at least the business documents. Back to Rules

9.Does 'any activity' include walking through the back exit? Why even have a backyard, if no activity is allowed, might as well build another apartment building. Back to Rules

10.If the reception on your cell phone is bad, you need to walk around the corner. I think this means no smoking or talking to other tenants in the building. Pastime of evil mortals. Back to Rules

11.Pretty standard lease language. Back to Rules

12.The ultimate deal breaker. Not because I am a like to bring my boyfriends over, but because I am not willing to make my family and friends get an expensive hotel when the visit me in Chicago, especially in a place with an extra bedroom. Back to Rules

13.What about the motherfucking sanity? Back to Rules

14.Holy shit, was this just translated from Japanese into Spanish, then to English and back to Japanese? Back to Rules

So Few Good Midwest Songs

"Have I got everything? Am I ready to go?
Is it going to be wild, is it gonna be the best time?
Or am I just saying so? Am I ready to go?
What do I hear when I say I hear the call of the road?

I think it started with driving, more speed, more deals, more
sky, more wheels
More things to leave behind, now it's all in a day for the
modern mind
And I am traveling again
Calling this a ghost town, and where is the heartland?
And I'm afraid, oh, was there any good reason, that I had to go
When all I know is I can never come back."

Invitation to Chicago

As you can see by the below pictures I have a very nice place to put you up in, so come on over and help me move in! Anyone with a truck or even a car, who has a couple of days to come out and help me move in and get some new stuff for my place will be rewarded with oodles of good times. My lease says my move-in date is November 15th, but since that is a Tuesday, I am going to try and get the keys for that weekend before. You should come and help me move the stuff I brought with me from Portland, plus the stuff my mom is bring from Ann Arbor next weekend, plus maybe a trip to Target or IKEA. I will provide the booze for the celebration once the labor is over.

Wade and Riley will be flying in on the evening of Nov. 18th and I would like to have all my stuff moved in by then. Also, if someone would like to help get them from the airport to our new place with all the rest of the Portland stuff, that would be super cool.

Let me know guys, I really need some help.

Home Sweet Home

Chicago has opened her arms to me and granted me a place in her lovely embrace. In other words, I've found a place to live. I will move in on November 15th and Wade and Riley will join me in Chicago on November 18th. We have a 2-bedroom apartment in a medium-sized apartment complex on the NW side of Chicago (yes, Chicago proper, we are not burb-dwelling people). If you would like the address, please send me an email.

There is a bowling alley about a mile from the new place...for those of you who may have been worried about that.

View pictures below of a similar unit:

Another Day in the Windy City

Most of you want to know how my first week in Chicago was. I have very mixed feelings and the answer to that question changes on a minute-to-minute basis.

I flew into Chicago on Saturday evening and started work Monday morning. Work is going pretty well. All the terms that I haven't heard for the four years that I have been out of the industry are slowly coming back to me. You may be able to relate to certain parts of that. You hear a term and you know you have heard it before and should know what it means but you don't at the moment you hear it. Then a couple hours or days later you start to remember. That is how this feels.

So, I am staying at Sara & Steve Hall's house. Sara was my boss at my last two jobs in Ann Arbor and is by boss at my current job in Chicago. We are trying to keep the fact that I am "sleeping with my boss" hush-hush (a.k.a. on the DL).

I am sleeping in Steve's office which is the second bedroom of their condo and where he works for an Ann Arbor firm during the weekdays. So this morning, right after my alarm goes off, Steve comes and knocks on the door. He tells me he has to be to work in 5 minutes (which, to remind you, is the room I am sleeping and storing all my stuff in). But in my AM, fuzzy head I thought he was telling me that I had to be to work in 5 minutes.

I thought maybe Sara had already left for work and called up to tell me to get my ass to work. So I rushed and didn't shower and after about 3 of those 5 minutes, I began to understand what Steve had said. So I went to work an hour early and used that hour to look for apartment listings online at my desk.

Then I had a somewhat uneventful day with a lot of meetings and work to be done, which is uneventful only because that is how every day has been thus far and I don't see the workload letting up anytime soon. Upon arriving back at the Condo building, which requires a pass to get into the building from the lobby, I found out that being on the guest list does not get you a copy of the keys (as Sara, Steve and I thought) but actually just gets you into the building out of the lobby and then you either need keys or the person you are visiting needs to be home.

Sara and Steve are in Michigan. And it is probably safe to say at this point, they are having a surprise Birthday Party for Steve. Sara is not answering her phone or checking her e-mail. I convinced the maintenance to let me into the building and assumed Steve would leave his keys on his desk, where he normally leaves them during the last week so that I can come and go, while they have been home. Not the case. He probably assumed that my name was on the guest list and they would give me a set of keys at the desk.

So now I am stuck in an apartment by myself. I have a dozen or so apartments to look at this weekend and my friend Matt is coming into town on the train from Lansing to help with the apartment search and hang out. It isn't like I had planned on putting him up in an apartment that wasn't mine, so that is good...He has a place to stay. But I need to get keys by tomorrow morning to meet him at the train station and look at these apartments.

Normally, your boss is the last person you want to hear from on the weekend. But, I am waiting on a call from Sara...So, if you see her, let her know!

Chicagoland Here I Come (Recap)

If you missed this email because I do not have a current email address for you, please email me your new address...If you did receive this email, sorry for the duplication. I wanted this to be documented here and I should have posted it last week, when I sent the message.

Hello Friends and Family,

For those of you who don't know and to update those of you who may have heard only a few details, we are moving to Chicago. Things have been so bad for the economy here in Portland it has been very hard for me and Wade to find work. I was offered a job in Chicago for an advertising agency (the same sort of work I did in Detroit before moving to Portland) by my former boss.

The salary and benefits are much more than anything I could expect to find in Portland, but we will miss Portland's overpowering beauty. Wade and I are both experiencing feelings of sadness to leave Oregon, where we met, fell in love, partied, bowled, had Riley, got married, lived in some great apartments and houses (and some not so great ones too) and built our lives together. Yet, we are both excited as well. A fresh start in a new city seems to be just what we need.

I am flying to Chicago Saturday morning (yes, THIS SATURDAY, Oct. 1st) and begin work on October 3rd. I will stay with friends who live close to the new job. Wade and Riley will stay behind and take care of packing or selling/donating the rest of our belongings, while I search for an apartment for us all to live in. If the apartment search goes well, Wade and Riley will fly out around November 1st and we will all move into our new home.

We will be traveling very light, so if you had a package ready for Riley's birthday, please wait until the beginning of November and we will give you our new address. If you want to send Riley something on his actual birthday, please make it small, light and easy to move (maybe gift cards for Amazon, Target, Old Navy or Toys 'R' Us). Wade, being a single parent for a month, will need a lot of help. Anything you can do, from a phone call to stopping by to watch Riley, will be greatly appreciated.

As always your love and support are greatly appreciated. We sadly say goodbye for now to our friends and family in Portland and are thankful to be close to another group of friends and family in and around Chicago. We are truly blessed with so much.

My phone number is 503-515-2008
Wade's phone number is 503-740-1101
Our address in Portland is:
1236 NE 112th Avenue
Portland, OR 97220
This is my new personal email address. I will no longer be with Comcast.

If you need more contact information, give one of us a call.

Love,
Eva