Apartment Search 2005 - Crazy Landlord Rules

Over the weekend I was talking on the telephone with my good friend Ben. I told him about this awesome apartment I saw that was 3-bedrooms (instead of the 2-bedroom I was looking for and ended up with) and cost $55 less per month than the place I we will be moving into in a couple of weeks. Also it was on Shakespeare. Which you cannot say without holding your nose up and using a bad British accent. Which is tons of fun. But crazy landladies are no fun.

I promised Ben, if I still had the list and could find it in my ever-growing pile of papers, I would list these rules. Maybe I am spoiled, but read through this list and if you don't think this landlord is crazy please leave you feedback. I request that if you read through and think these are not rediculous rules, please read through and do not ignore my comments below...because some of them appear to be a sane request but upon further examination are what tenancy rules might look like on Venus or Jupiter.

Your residence at XXXX¹ W. Shakespeare, Chicago, IL,² is conditional to your³ abiding by the following rules:

Tenants are the ONLY ones to have keys to the front door and apartment doors. No one else should have one except for the person whose name appears on the lease.⁴

Tenants should not keep anything that is flammable in the building.⁵

The apartment and entrance to it should be kept in clean and neat conditions, just like you received it.

Each tenant is responsible for cleaning their front steps and back steps section.

ABSOLUTELY NO FOOD IS TO BE THROWN IN THE TOILET. IT SHOULD BE THROWN IN THE GARBAGE. IF CLOGGING OCCURS BECAUSE OF A FAILURE TO FOLLOW THE MENTIONED, YOU WILL BE LIABLE FOR THE DAMAGE.⁶

The garbage should be thrown into the garbage can and the lids should be fully closed.

All gates MUST be closed at all times.⁷

Your monthly rent ONLY includes the apartment -- it does NOT include any other areas inside the building or outside the building. Keep ALL of your personal belongings in your apartments. Do not leave anything in the porch, balcony, yard, garage, or outside your door. There is no storage space in the building.

The porch is to be clean at all times -- NO PERSONAL BELONINGS⁸ ON IT.

There is NO grilling, barbequing or any other activity allowed in the backyard.⁹

No loitering in front of building or in the back of building.¹⁰

Tenants are responsible for the conduct of their guests and will be deemed liable for any damages to the building caused by them.¹¹

No visitors on premises after 10:00pm.¹²

Absolutely NO parties allowed in the building. We want to respect the privacy and tranquility of everyone in the building.¹³

If at any point, the tenant sees anything suspicious or unusual and relates the building contact the owners IMMEDIATELY.¹⁴

Landlord is NOT responsible for any personal condlicts between tenants. These conflicts should be reported to the Police at 911.

The landlord will only be notified when there is something going on in the building.

IF THERE ARE ANY QUESTIONS, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK. IF YOU AGREE WITH THE RULES ABOVE, PLEASE SIGN AND DATE THE BOTTOM.

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1.Actual Address hidden to protect the insane. Back to Rules

2.Improper use of puncuation. Back to Rules

3.Improper grammar. Could easily be corrected by adding "your ability to abide". Back to Rules

4.Just in case you were unclear on the term "tenant", it means "person whose name appears on the lease". Back to Rules

5.This was my favorite and absolutely the most insane thing on this list. Now, possibly I am being too hard on this woman, but if someone where not allowed to have anything flammable in the building that would restrict furniture, clothing and human beings from entering the building. Or, maybe, the word "keeping" implies that those items can be on the premises, but must be removed at some unspecified point during tenancy. Granted, Chicagans (yes, this is the term that people who live in Chicago refer to themselves by...) have a right to be a little fire-aware, but they still have to be realist human beings. Back to Rules

6.This rule makes my head spin. I guess it all boils down to how specific you want to get with the word "food". If you don't understand what I am getting at...Ask your parents. Organic waste is organic waste is organic waste. Garbage is another thing. Also, what if contraband "food" is placed gently in the toilet, rather than 'thrown'? Now I am just being a picky, judgmental snob, I know. Back to Rules

7.AM I SUPPOSED TO HOP THE FENCE? I guess all times does not include while someone is actually WALKING THROUGH! Back to Rules

8.Spelling error. We all make them, but most of us spell check at least the business documents. Back to Rules

9.Does 'any activity' include walking through the back exit? Why even have a backyard, if no activity is allowed, might as well build another apartment building. Back to Rules

10.If the reception on your cell phone is bad, you need to walk around the corner. I think this means no smoking or talking to other tenants in the building. Pastime of evil mortals. Back to Rules

11.Pretty standard lease language. Back to Rules

12.The ultimate deal breaker. Not because I am a like to bring my boyfriends over, but because I am not willing to make my family and friends get an expensive hotel when the visit me in Chicago, especially in a place with an extra bedroom. Back to Rules

13.What about the motherfucking sanity? Back to Rules

14.Holy shit, was this just translated from Japanese into Spanish, then to English and back to Japanese? Back to Rules